1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees
heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their
hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with
a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the
toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with
you at night, thus generating the false impression that you
work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work"
to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail,
chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely
related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits
that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to
talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by
your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is
to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest
of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge
piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last
year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that
counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming
to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down
in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don't
call you just because they want to give you something for nothing
- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's
no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If
somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like
impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're
not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious
even though you're being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to
look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression
that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still
around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always
wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make
sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important
emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression
that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put
lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon
and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation
with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you
say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
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