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Fun
With Telemarketers
NOTICE: All suggestions have been tested and approved
for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.
1. Insist that the caller is really your buddy
Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously,
Leon, how's your momma?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?"
say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems
to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting
up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,
ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company
name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been
in business, how many people work there, how they got into this
line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their
company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer:
"Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You:
Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What
are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you?
Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will
give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure
out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to
vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as
they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until
they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for
the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as
you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can
you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human
blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel,
ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell
them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete
stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the
same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it
is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my
God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the
moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone
number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains
that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I
guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!"
Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several
times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they
would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue
to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with
your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home
incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and
make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen
to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. If they want to loan you money, tell them
you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that
they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you
want to write every word down.
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