to Live By
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's
the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses
and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside
me, either. Just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.
Just take another road. That's why the highway department made
so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other
cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It
makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if
you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time
to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard
near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold
the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until
he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each
of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group,
the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually
when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to
make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with
someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give
them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable
scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting
the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your
elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your
shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land.
So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good
you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to
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