Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in
your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take
a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time
to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are included
in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to
the funeral home.
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
in your home
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no
matter how good his manners are.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries
can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the
fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a
woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
(outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've
been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents
what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others
might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters
on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing
the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom,
at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean
bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable,
say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun
is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way
stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right
of way. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer. Do not lay rubber while traveling
in a funeral procession.