l. Do not call Santa's
helpers elves. Such references are considered rude and ill-mannered
ever since Mr. Claus was accused of exploiting the height impaired.
2. Do not call it
X-mas. Members of the gene pool became irate that there was no
3. If you are a female,
do not expect to sit on Santa's lap. He's just finished depositions
in a sexual harassment lawsuit. Said Santa with a tear in his
eye, "I only asked her to sit on my knee and tell me what
she wanted for Christmas."
4. Christmas Eve is
out. The term "Eve" carries an overwhelming gender connotation
that might be disturbing to some. From now on it's just the night
before Christmas, please.
5. The night before
Christmas might have to be moved to a different date anyway. Animal
rights protesters want the reindeer to have the night off. And
Christmas Day. And aren't reindeer on the endangered species list?
6. "God Rest
Ye Merry Gentlemen" has got to go.
7. And who named Bethlehem
8. Do not, under any
circumstances, give dolls as gifts this year. They suggest a male-oriented
fantasy that little girls could never up to grow into.
9. And avoid giving
fruitcakes. They are clogging our landfills and you might get
the Environmental Protection Agency after you.
10. Do not hang mistletoe.
Unless you live alone.
11. Do not take your
loved one to see any version of A Christmas Carol. The Department
of Children and Family Services is said to be investigating how
Tiny Tim ended up in such dire circumstances. Scrooge is also
reportedly under investigation for money-laundering.
HERE TO SEND THIS GREETING465