l. Do not call Santa's helpers elves. Such references are considered rude and ill-mannered ever since Mr. Claus was accused of exploiting the height impaired.

2. Do not call it X-mas. Members of the gene pool became irate that there was no Y-mas.

3. If you are a female, do not expect to sit on Santa's lap. He's just finished depositions in a sexual harassment lawsuit. Said Santa with a tear in his eye, "I only asked her to sit on my knee and tell me what she wanted for Christmas."

4. Christmas Eve is out. The term "Eve" carries an overwhelming gender connotation that might be disturbing to some. From now on it's just the night before Christmas, please.

5. The night before Christmas might have to be moved to a different date anyway. Animal rights protesters want the reindeer to have the night off. And Christmas Day. And aren't reindeer on the endangered species list?

6. "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" has got to go.

7. And who named Bethlehem anyway? Beth?

8. Do not, under any circumstances, give dolls as gifts this year. They suggest a male-oriented fantasy that little girls could never up to grow into.

9. And avoid giving fruitcakes. They are clogging our landfills and you might get the Environmental Protection Agency after you.

10. Do not hang mistletoe. Unless you live alone.

11. Do not take your loved one to see any version of A Christmas Carol. The Department of Children and Family Services is said to be investigating how Tiny Tim ended up in such dire circumstances. Scrooge is also reportedly under investigation for money-laundering.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

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