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  • If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

  • When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

  • Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.

  • Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

  • If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
  • If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

  • Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

  • STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

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