• If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

• When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

• Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.

• Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

• If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

• If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

• Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

• STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

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