Ways to Get Rid of Your Blind Date
At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to
give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter,
who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant,
and balance them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous"
for your high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know
what they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in
fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins
talking about themselves.
Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their
plate than they do.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant.
Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her
"What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing
the subject up.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Communicate in mime the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,
where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep
your back to the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper
shakers, silverware, floral arrangements...i.e anything on the
table that isn't bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your
food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter
for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns
with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the
plate. Repeat later in the meal.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape,
and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Speak in pig Latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language,
or just nonsense).
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the
table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the
chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Take one bite.
Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and
arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking
them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot
cheaper than actually feeding her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee,
and fill the thermos
one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a
similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the
plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
Accuse your date of espionage.
Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
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